Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
