Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Semen is not good for contacts.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
