Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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