is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize