fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
