He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
