I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
