My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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