just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
