it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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