I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
