Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
That accounts for only three of the penises
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
