first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
