so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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