dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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