I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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