maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
