rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
