I intend to get homeless drunk
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
