oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He shit in the fireplace
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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