i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
