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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
please come you make the beer taste better
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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