make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
