I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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