I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
