I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
