My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
In America we eat man semen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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