Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
