How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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