I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
