If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
