Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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