I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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