You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
