my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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