I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
