peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
