From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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