i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
