Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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