just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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