Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
