They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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