Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
