hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
