can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
