OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
