I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
