I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
