Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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