I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
