I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
