I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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