dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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