Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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