I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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