Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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