...so i touched it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
